Higgins' Formal Apology

Dear friendly folks,

Thank y'all so much for your great support and offers of help. You showed so much sympathy and compassion which touched me deeply. However, I actually do not at all deserve this.

Fact is that Nali Bakenfalter's threat with the Haggis medication in the Tunnocks box had a serious background. I want to be honest and tell you the full story. Nali and the cats had a valid reason to be angry with me. Let me reach back...

A few months ago, I left my cosy wee burrow in a small village near Tobermory on the Isle of Mull because I could not stand any longer the ill will of my next of kin, my friends and neighbours. The problem is that I’m not as a haggis should be but ... different. On the one hand, I do not tolerate any booze at all. You will say Haggi need wee drams to survive. Yes, normal haggi do. But I'm not normal cos I’m only almost a genuine wee haggis. My paternal great-great-great-great grandfather was a kind of haggis relative - an Australian short-beaked spine anteater. These guys are alcohol intolerant by nature. On the other hand – and that’s my second and even worse problem – I love single malt to death but when I only sip the weeest dram of bevvy, I become criminally insane. Then my bum’s not only oot the windae, I use to speak rank and make a mess and do gross mischief against my will. 

The problem was that my burrow was close to Tobermory Distillery. Tobermory Single Malt is the best Scotch whisky on the Hebridean islands. Legend has it that the steam from this distillery creates the most beautiful moony clouds of Scotland. However, as soon as these clouds begin to cry and I sip a wee dram of the liquid I’m already pished.

On one of these occasions under the influence, I painted the Standing Stones of Balliscate near my beloved wee home pink with light blue stripes while burping and singing dirty songs. The police took a photo and arrested me for two weeks.

Some time later I misused the big stones of the Cairn von Achnacreebeag to kill mosquitos, but brushed by accident a poor goat. The wee critter suffered from a brain concussion thereafter. Goatie was not at all amused and spread the word everywhere. And so I fell out of favour with everybody once again.

The next morning “I left my home and my family, I was no more than a boy in the company of strangers in the quiet of the railway station running scared”... and fare-dodged to the Glaswegian International Airport. Here I hid as a cuddly toy in a baby seat and British Airways brought me directly to Frankfurt/Main, Germany. Lucky me! After some adventurous detours I met Kleiner Geier (little vulture), a friendly dove who told me the story when she grew up in a tree next to Nali Bakenfalter‘s flat some years ago. On a sunny Sunday morning, when the parents of Kleiner Geier and her siblings were oot to look for food, Nali defended the flightless little doves against magpies and crows attacking their nest. Therefore, Kleiner Geier decided that Nali would be the right person to take care of a homeless haggis and gave me a piggyback to her balcony where her crazy ginger cat Joschij finally found me and brought me in.

I had a great time with Joschij, his one-eyed pirate buddy Jurij and their human Nali. Here in our beloved scientific Scotland's Wild Haggis Animal Discovery Group Nali found out what is the favourite food/soft drink for haggi. Indeed, this could have been a braw haggy end...

…unless weirdest things happened on Hogmanay.

The cats and I sometimes get a sniff on the balcony where the cats eat their grass like wee coos. Next to our hoose there is a hotel and on Hogmanay afternoon, I noticed familiar Scottish sounds – obviously guests. They seemed to be already blootered and I heard the clinking of bottles. The smell of single malt was in the air and I became homesick. Nevertheless, we had a splendid evening together. In the night, I woke up feeling so terribly homesick that I had to go oot on the balcony. Guess what I found there – the pished Scotsmen had thrown one of their single malt bottles on my! balcony. It was smashed and the smell of the whisky was not only tempting but to die for. I licked all the sherds and dinnae ken what happened afterwards. Nali’s and the cats‘ reports have it that I must have found Nali’s make-up bag and embellished the sleeping cats with lipstick, varnished their nails and finally cut their fur and some of their whiskers. Furthermore, I took some of the small Xmas bells and glued them at their tails. Since there had been no real winter so far in Frankfurt, I looked for some powder to fake snow flurries. No icing sugar in the kitchen cabinet!!! Thus I took Nali’s entire holy coffee stock, opened all the packs and let them snow before I fell asleep.

New Year’s morning resulted in a rude awakening for all of us…

… and you will certainly understand why I had to be punished with the medication threat.

In the meantime, Nali, Joschij and Jurij not only forgave me after I had told them my story, but they threw a braw haggis welcome party for me!